a grey sky. a bitter sting.

a good friend of mine died this week. it was sudden, as she was young and healthy. it's been a tough week, as i attempt to deal with the first death that i have experienced as an adult. 

i've been reading a lot of tara brach recently, which has been timely as i try to process the loss of a friend. as she says in radical acceptance "... times of great suffering can become times of profound spiritual insight and opening. nearly all of us have faced seasons in our life where everything seemed to be falling apart. at these times, all the beliefs upon which we based our life are torn from their moorings; we thought we understood how to live life but now we feel lost in a stormy sea. as the storm quiets, we begin to see our life with freshness and a striking clarity." i am feeling the stormy sea right now, thrown off balance, awash in uncertainty, but the hope of freshness and clarity is strong.

practicing the art of pausing. practicing acceptance and self-compassion. trusting that this practice will facilitate a genuine experience of loss that will lead to peace. hoping.

in the middle of this storm, i feel anchored in my physical experience. the comfort of a pillowy bed.  the purifying effect of yoga. the welcome fuzzy of a cocktail. the tenderness of a loving hug. the balance of sweet and salt in homemade peanut butter oreos.

not only do i love these, but i think she would have too. emily reid, this one is for you.

homemade peanut butter oreos (adapted from smitten kitchen)
1 1/4 cups flour
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup sugar
1 1/4 sticks room temp unsalted butter
1 egg

filling:
1/3 cup shortening (i like spectrum organic)
1/3 cup room temp butter
1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar

preheat oven to 375 degrees.

sift together flour, cocoa,  b. soda, b. powder, salt, and sugar in a large bowl. add the butter and thoroughly combine. then add the egg and combine until the dough is a consistent texture. form small flat circles (bottle cap size) with the dough on buttered cookie sheets. these cookies spread out a lot and i like relatively small oreos. bake for 9 minutes. place cookies on a cooling rack for about 10 minutes.

for the filling, mix together the shortening, butter, and peanut butter in a medium bowl. then add the powdered sugar in a few small batches (a half cup at a time works for me). once the filling is well combined and consistent, transfer to a pastry bag.

pipe as much filling as you want onto the center of a cookie, place a similarly sized cookie on top and press until the filling spreads out to the edges. i like lots of filling, so i use about a tablespoon of filling per cookie, but try the first one out and adjust from there.  continue this process until all cookies are filled.