on beauty and goodness

at the memorial service for my friend a few weeks ago, her husband talked about how my dear friend was able to see beauty in unexpected places. how she had an ability to find the beauty in anything, or anyone. it was how he described their relationship - she was able to see past his rough edges to find the beauty that lay underneath. she was able to make you feel like you were incredibly valued, interested, loved, and beautiful. what an amazing spirit!

that sentiment of seeing goodness and beauty everywhere resonated with me and inspired me to try to notice the beauty in my life more. sometimes it has been easy - when hiking in the mountains, when my partner is being sweet to me, when eating a delicious meal. and sometimes it has been so much harder - when fighting with a loved one, when stressed out, when physically hurting.

 my beautiful mama (and beautiful mountains)

i can believe that all people are essentially good, but that is sometimes a hard belief to live. as i have meditated and attempted to live this belief in essential goodness and beauty, i have realized the importance of pausing. i can't appreciate that which i do not have take the time to see. so i am trying to move slower, trying to take pauses (even when it feels silly), trying to be compassionate even in the tough situations.

the real breakthrough for me was that the more compassionate and loving i am to myself, the more naturally i am compassionate and loving to others. i have always known that i have some rough edges, but i am starting to see the value in being compassionate to myself about them. as my interior world becomes a more loving and accepting place, i am able to put more of these things out into the world. 

"and so it happened again, the daily miracle whereby interiority opens out and brings to bloom the million-petalled flower of being here, in the world, with other people."  - zadie smith

the curious paradox.

in my favorite weekly yoga class a few weeks ago, my dear teacher introduced me to a new pose that has been on my mind ever since. the pose is called dying warrior and it represents the death of the ego. the other warrior poses are largely about confidence, strength, and righteousness. i find these qualities palpable when moving through warrior poses, and though valuable, they often feel out of balance with the goals of my yoga practice (peace, gratitude, growth).

but i have now found something to balance that strength. dying warrior is humbling. it is not a pose of great pride or confidence. it is a pose of humility and release. you end up contorted on the ground, as if your strong confident warrior has fallen on its face.

this is the deepest, most profound twist i have felt in my yoga practice.  it is a difficult pose. you need the confidence boost of the previous poses to endure this twist.

i think the death of the ego, the death of striving, the death of the wanting self is key to feeling one with the energy of the world. through the death of the individual ego, we can experience the incredible, breathtaking interconnectedness of life, the great undulating energy of existence without the felt boundary of self.

this experience of letting go of striving and accepting experience as it is has been discussed for thousands of years in Buddhism and for decades in psychology. as the insightful psychotherapist carl rogers once said, "the curious paradox is that when i accept myself just as i am, then i can change." only when we truly attend to our experience, treat ourselves with compassion, and accept ourselves, thereby eliminating the ego, can we truly undergo change.

in my home practice, i have incorporated this pose as if it is warrior 4, following the three traditional warrior poses.

to practice: move from warrior 1, to warrior 2, to warrior 3, with your arms outstretched in front of you and your right foot as the standing leg. gently bring your hands down in front of you and touch down the back foot. then lift the right leg and feed it to the left, directly out to the side, and release down onto your right hip. then, lift your left hand, and feed it through the space between your right hip and right hand, so that you are lying on your left shoulder. relax the head down, facing right. if possible, lift the right hand and press into the unturned left hand to deepen the twist. sink into the release, the twist, the humility. repeat on the other side.

a grey sky. a bitter sting.

a good friend of mine died this week. it was sudden, as she was young and healthy. it's been a tough week, as i attempt to deal with the first death that i have experienced as an adult. 

i've been reading a lot of tara brach recently, which has been timely as i try to process the loss of a friend. as she says in radical acceptance "... times of great suffering can become times of profound spiritual insight and opening. nearly all of us have faced seasons in our life where everything seemed to be falling apart. at these times, all the beliefs upon which we based our life are torn from their moorings; we thought we understood how to live life but now we feel lost in a stormy sea. as the storm quiets, we begin to see our life with freshness and a striking clarity." i am feeling the stormy sea right now, thrown off balance, awash in uncertainty, but the hope of freshness and clarity is strong.

practicing the art of pausing. practicing acceptance and self-compassion. trusting that this practice will facilitate a genuine experience of loss that will lead to peace. hoping.

in the middle of this storm, i feel anchored in my physical experience. the comfort of a pillowy bed.  the purifying effect of yoga. the welcome fuzzy of a cocktail. the tenderness of a loving hug. the balance of sweet and salt in homemade peanut butter oreos.

not only do i love these, but i think she would have too. emily reid, this one is for you.

homemade peanut butter oreos (adapted from smitten kitchen)
1 1/4 cups flour
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup sugar
1 1/4 sticks room temp unsalted butter
1 egg

filling:
1/3 cup shortening (i like spectrum organic)
1/3 cup room temp butter
1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar

preheat oven to 375 degrees.

sift together flour, cocoa,  b. soda, b. powder, salt, and sugar in a large bowl. add the butter and thoroughly combine. then add the egg and combine until the dough is a consistent texture. form small flat circles (bottle cap size) with the dough on buttered cookie sheets. these cookies spread out a lot and i like relatively small oreos. bake for 9 minutes. place cookies on a cooling rack for about 10 minutes.

for the filling, mix together the shortening, butter, and peanut butter in a medium bowl. then add the powdered sugar in a few small batches (a half cup at a time works for me). once the filling is well combined and consistent, transfer to a pastry bag.

pipe as much filling as you want onto the center of a cookie, place a similarly sized cookie on top and press until the filling spreads out to the edges. i like lots of filling, so i use about a tablespoon of filling per cookie, but try the first one out and adjust from there.  continue this process until all cookies are filled.

nesting.

this is the time of year that Peter and i do what we call nesting. we build a warm, bright, comfy space and settle into it. the past few weeks have been cold here in Philly, and i find myself rushing from home to work and back again - limiting my time outside to avoid the stinging cold. my time at home has been completely consumed by the pile of books i was given for Christmas. i get home from work, put some jazz on, and settle in on the couch for hours of uninterrupted reading. i have not been so utterly consumed by books in a long time, and it feels lovely. voraciously reading is the perfect thing to do in a nest.


the perfect accompaniment to a warm winter nest is what i have come to call "a hot steaming bowl of yum" aka vegetarian bean chili. i have been making this chili for years now, and have tweaked it here and there along the way. it is the kind of soup that warms you to the core. this chili is tasty the day you make it, but it's flavors definitely increase with time. make a big pot and keep it in the fridge for days.


simple bean chili (makes 4-5 big bowls)
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
3 10 oz. cans of beans (i like to do a mixture of black, pinto, and pink beans)
1 15 oz. can of fire roasted tomatoes (preferably diced, but crushed will work too)
1 cup frozen corn
1/2 tsp cayenne
2 tsps ground cumin
1 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/2 bottle of beer (i like using mexican beer like corona or pacifico. pale ales work well too.)
salt to taste

toppings: sour cream, chopped cilantro, squeeze of lemon juice, grated cheese, broken tortilla chips

heat the oil over medium heat in a big soup pot. add the onion and saute for 3-5 minutes, until soft. add the beans, tomatoes, corn and spices.* stir to combine. cover and let simmer for 15 minutes. remove top and add beer. simmer uncovered for 20 minutes. salt to taste. serve in big soup bowls. top with any or all of the listed toppings. i often do sour cream, cilantro, and lemon juice OR cheese and tortilla chips.

* sometimes i like to temper the spices a bit by adding some for a minute or two with the onions before adding the rest of the ingredients. it develops the flavor a bit more.

snuggle into the warm nest and enjoy!